I can’t seem to focus lately. My brain has a plethora of creative ideas buzzing around and yet I have been procrastinating in the worse way. I have wonderful visions of a homemade Christmas and festive DIY décor. I can imagine all the fun activities and events that are fast approaching. Its the most wonderful time of the year, so the saying goes, but I’m on a very unstable fence. One part of me is all gung-ho for the upcoming festivities and another part of me just wants to crawl into bed and pull up the covers until after the new year. Did I mention I’ve got kids? Yeah………. So retreating into hibernation really isn’t a feasible option for me. I have to play Santa and Mrs. Claus! I’m expected to clean, cook, bake, shop, wrap, sing, smile, and be fucking merry! I’ll fake the smile. I’ll act like a jolly good elf but in all honesty my heart is broken into so many pieces right now.
How do we do this? How do we get through all that’s to come without you here? It has taken me months to write this all into words.
Earlier this past summer My family suffered a devastating loss. We lost an amazing Man, father and grandfather all in one. He was me and my sisters’ Chudsie, the kids Poppy, and Mom’s Chuckie Boy. This coming Monday is his Birthday and the start to the holiday chaos. At this time every other year its more of a count down to get everything done in time for Christmas but at the moment I have little motivation to spark me into the glitter and garland frenzy. My mindset is like “Get it all done Now while your thinking about it and you won’t have to do it later” Ha. See I am one of those people who is a firm believer in letting Thanksgiving shine as an actual holiday. Christmas can wait as it always has. And well, here I am digging out the minimal decorations I do have and trying to get it all plastered up around the house. It’s really all for the kids after all.
There have been years where we had absolutely no money for presents. There have been years where we went without heat during the cold months. Many other bad years have gone by but nothing compares to how this year is already feeling. Your seat will be empty at our dinner tables. There will be no gift with your name on it. No nasty eggnog in the fridge. No last minute panicked calls asking what to get the momma. No picking out the perfect tree. No one to steal the cookies while they are burning hot. No more funny hats. No one to sneak away with when the famsquad gets too much. No more Poppy sleepovers. No more Chuckie Boy kisses. No more Chudsie antics to keep us laughing.
You never fully understand the pain of grief until you are going through it on a very personal level. This is the first for me and with how very tragically it all went down I don’t see a future of being healed. That’s why I stick to a consistent meditation routine. Breathing, writing, and I just recently realized cleaning are my go to. I find myself cleaning and stopping to cry. I don’t understand why but it is something oddly therapeutic. I do not have the option to fall into a deep depression. I do not have the option to just give up and run away. I do feel the pressure of having to stay strong. I do feel that being the way that I am right now is fragile. I feel as if everyday I could slip off that unstable fence I was talking about and land in a dark place. I fear that dark place so much that I am fighting like hell to live by the light. Nothing will ever be the same.
I love you and miss you like hell. I know you’ve gained your wings. I know your watching from up there. Keep putting in the good words with the Man.