I can’t seem to focus lately. My brain has a plethora of creative ideas buzzing around and yet I have been procrastinating in the worse way. I have wonderful visions of a homemade Christmas and festive DIY décor. I can imagine all the fun activities and events that are fast approaching. Its the most wonderful time of the year, so the saying goes, but I’m on a very unstable fence. One part of me is all gung-ho for the upcoming festivities and another part of me just wants to crawl into bed and pull up the covers until after the new year. Did I mention I’ve got kids? Yeah………. So retreating into hibernation really isn’t a feasible option for me. I have to play Santa and Mrs. Claus! I’m expected to clean, cook, bake, shop, wrap, sing, smile, and be fucking merry! I’ll fake the smile. I’ll act like a jolly good elf but in all honesty my heart is broken into so many pieces right now.
How do we do this? How do we get through all that’s to come without you here? It has taken me months to write this all into words.
Earlier this past summer My family suffered a devastating loss. We lost an amazing Man, father and grandfather all in one. He was me and my sisters’ Chudsie, the kids Poppy, and Mom’s Chuckie Boy. This coming Monday is his Birthday and the start to the holiday chaos. At this time every other year its more of a count down to get everything done in time for Christmas but at the moment I have little motivation to spark me into the glitter and garland frenzy. My mindset is like “Get it all done Now while your thinking about it and you won’t have to do it later” Ha. See I am one of those people who is a firm believer in letting Thanksgiving shine as an actual holiday. Christmas can wait as it always has. And well, here I am digging out the minimal decorations I do have and trying to get it all plastered up around the house. It’s really all for the kids after all.
There have been years where we had absolutely no money for presents. There have been years where we went without heat during the cold months. Many other bad years have gone by but nothing compares to how this year is already feeling. Your seat will be empty at our dinner tables. There will be no gift with your name on it. No nasty eggnog in the fridge. No last minute panicked calls asking what to get the momma. No picking out the perfect tree. No one to steal the cookies while they are burning hot. No more funny hats. No one to sneak away with when the famsquad gets too much. No more Poppy sleepovers. No more Chuckie Boy kisses. No more Chudsie antics to keep us laughing.
You never fully understand the pain of grief until you are going through it on a very personal level. This is the first for me and with how very tragically it all went down I don’t see a future of being healed. That’s why I stick to a consistent meditation routine. Breathing, writing, and I just recently realized cleaning are my go to. I find myself cleaning and stopping to cry. I don’t understand why but it is something oddly therapeutic. I do not have the option to fall into a deep depression. I do not have the option to just give up and run away. I do feel the pressure of having to stay strong. I do feel that being the way that I am right now is fragile. I feel as if everyday I could slip off that unstable fence I was talking about and land in a dark place. I fear that dark place so much that I am fighting like hell to live by the light. Nothing will ever be the same.
I love you and miss you like hell. I know you’ve gained your wings. I know your watching from up there. Keep putting in the good words with the Man.
What does modern day marriage look like?.
To me it’s my husband working 12 hour over night shifts, coming home for a few hours to most likely sleep and waking up to go to a side job, he’s a carpenter. He comes home and sleeps a little more then it starts all over again. Being in a fully committed relationship and raising children is exhausting. It’s crazy hard work no one ever prepared you for. I mean people say things to help prepare but you never fully grasp what their talking about till your going through it.
When I was working at my last job the women would say things like “we’ve all been there”, “life is about paying dues”, and my favorite “things always get better” …. it’s been four years since I left that job and I’m just understanding what they were saying. They were right. Things do get better. Life is all about the ups and downs and mostly whom you have chosen to go through it all with. Me and my fiancé have had our fair share of struggles throughout the years. Financially, it hasn’t always been easy. Our relationship has tested it’s boundaries numerous times but everytime we have come out stronger. You learn to fight with your spouse in a specific way. You learn how to communicate on their level as to not cause any backlash. They learn your wants and needs and make you the priority. It’s all about the give and take. Ten years into my one and only long term relationship I have learned the keys to making It work. I didn’t figure them out on my own. In fact, if it wasn’t for my Hubs I wouldn’t be who I am today or think the way I do. We have changed eachother for the better but only because we Wanted to change. We have a connection we didn’t want to let go! So we deal with eachothers craziness and keep moving forward.
Most modern marriages are like this. One spouse is always at work. The other spouse is always with the kids. The bills are just barely getting paid on time. The house is alway a disaster. Your car sees the shop more then it sees your street. You and your husband never see eachother and when you finally get a moment alone one kid is stuffing toilet paper in the toilet and the other kid is downstairs switching the DVD to Deadpool and popping popcorn. (All true scenarios. .. I know WTF!? Right?)…
As long as you can be confident in your partner, have faith in one another, you can survive anything. The hard stuff eventually becomes familar, never easier, just familiar. You don’t freak out as much because you know how to handle shit now. You know how to communicate better so things get done faster. You both got a job. Realizing what needs to be done and actually doing it, together. Despite all the obstacles at the end of the day your not alone in this world. I am grateful for my Lovebug. I have found whom my soul loves.
This post is dedicated to Mr. Slugger. Your family loves and appreciates all your hardwork. Always working towards our dream.
Have you ever been at a crossroads in your life where the end result was simply really not knowing what the fuck to do? That so much shit has happened to bring you to this point of utter exhaustion in life. For me I believe it was shock that got to me first. There have been certain scenarios in my life where I just couldn’t believe these things were happening to me. I couldn’t understand the big picture and as a consequence I fell into depression and anxiety. I have very vivid memories when starting out on my own as an adult and mother where I would scream ” This is how you decide to test me?”.
See I grew up Catholic. I had the fear of God drilled into my brain. I prayed and went to church. Wore a uniform to an all girl school and was taught by nuns. I was always told “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” All I could think after a few years was “umm, WRONG!” At the time I wasn’t handling squat! I was scared and lonely. I had no life experience and it just seemed the more I tried to push forward the more I got knocked down. While the angel and devil raged an all out war on inside me I had to choose a path. There was no right or wrong only to pick one and move On! I ended up picking the path my heart had already chosen. Mostly because I was not ready to give up on something that had the potential for greatness. Now 10 years later I couldn’t have been more right.
(My bad this Is about to become a love story)
By not bailing out all those years ago when shit got tough. Depending on each other to get through whatever rough patch that got thrown at us. Communicating honestly when we just wanted to run away. Gaining each others trust and fighting through the jealousy. Letting go of our pride and asking for help. Learning how to co parent children who are just as crazy as ourselves. All these reasons and more are why we truly are happy with one another as Husband and Wife. When I first met him it was a comfort I’ve never known. I felt safe right from the start. I knew he could and would protect me no matter the situation!
Once I choose this path and realized that life isn’t about all the things you don’t have. It’s about all the things the universe throws out at you and how you utilize those gifts. I have spent years learning how to “make the best” out of some pretty awful situations. But I got through them all with someone by my side. I never had to fear the worst being alone.
The main objective of all this is I never settled. You can’t settle on your soul mate! They are what they are. Relationships are not always sunshine and rainbows. It’s hard work. It’s a give and take. It’s all or nothing. As long as you two are truly in love and treat each other with respect, you can have that Great Love! That was my blessing but this theory can be used in any type of relationship because they all need maintenance.
I don’t know about you but my family is super close. The family drama is INSANE! I can’t handle it all and I’ve tried for so long. That’s the thing though, all this shit has been ongoing for years and nobody has done anything about it. Without getting too personal, it’s like everybody’s own shit (which we all got) is slowly leaking out of their own homes. Cool, you got problems and want to try and fix them on your own? Go right ahead. But when those problems are making their way to the ones who surround you with love and support, what the hell is everyone supposed to do? I’ve kept quiet on most other peoples issues for a long time simply because I realized it’s not my place to get involved. Then the lies start and you don’t know what the truth is anymore. I’m angry and really don’t want to be anymore. I guess that’s why I’m writing this very subtle blog post.
For a lack of explaining this very well I’ll just say this. It feels like I have been consuming everyone else’s negative energies for a prolonged period of time that I have reached the brink of exhaustion on a very physical level. I started this blog two weeks ago while a moment of motivation struck me. I was feeling confident and blessed. I still feel that way but these negative energies are clouding up my vision. I started on this path to help myself move on from a great tragedy. I want to start healing and on this same path help others along the way. But there is a lesson that I have come to realize we learn over and over again. “You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.” I have been tested in this lesson many times. At this point I feel it is necessary to say if you don’t want help than at least fake a smile. The cycle will continue no matter what I think so have fun on that path of destruction!
With That, As I am writing this down, I let go. I can only help myself become a greater version of who I already Am!
Dear Mister Butterfly,
The days are getting cooler. Flowers are wilting. I dread the day when its dark and bitter because I know thats not your kind of weather. All summer you brought smiles to our faces but now we are heading into winter. We’ve had pleasant conversations down every bush lined block. I’d ask you questions like “why?” And “when?” To which you respond with a friend. Now two butterflies caress my bare skin and I whisper to you both ” What will I do when I can’t see you flying with the wind?”
I know! I will be brave and understand that your time is coming to an end. Ill savor every white winged glimpse and pray for a sweet farewell. You’ll come back to me with a spring breeze because your name is Poppy and you’ll never really leave.
“Butterflies wouldn’t exist without the process of change. Embrace whats to come!”
Your tired and lonely. You know you are. Denial has found a safe home within the depths of you. I guess you figure if you don’t talk about it and keep your mouth shut it will eventually go away. At least then everyone around you will stop asking those damn questions. Whatever you think your trying to bury, yea… well its still there. Guess what? It will continue to follow you around day after day affecting you in ways you can’t see or refuse to. You will continue to blame others for the misfortune of a bad idea. Until you find the courage to stand up, own your part and take responsibility for what is going on you will always be stuck. You will live with guilt, pain, and fear refusing to accept any truth to your situation.
Excuses are endless. Do you even acknowledge that something is horribly wrong?? Are you afraid to accept facts of this problem for fear of what consequences lie ahead? You think this is love? Oh my dear if you only knew.
1st Corinthians 13: “You are beautifully and wonderfully made and nobody has any right to treat you like you aren’t”
This relationship hasn’t given you anything instead it has taken away everything that makes you extraordinary. You’ve lost the light in your eyes. You have become nothing but a shell of the woman you used to be. You have been broken, over and over again. You have been used as a pawn in a never-ending cycle of emotional and psychological abuse. The cycle will inevitably keep repeating itself. The seed will get planted in your mind that everything bad that’s happened in this relationship is your fault. Nothing is Ever you fault. Never blame yourself for anything someone claims you are the sole cause of.
Relationships are supposed to be a two-way street, not a manipulative game of winners and losers. You really do deserve so much more! Much to the heartbreak of all those who truly love you, you have been taken advantage of for far too long. I know the beginning was different, it always is, but too much time has passed with no change.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take Heart! I have overcome the world” – John 16:33
Here are a few things you might have forgotten. You are Smart ,Beautiful, and Strong! You have the power to make your life be whatever you dreamed. Making the hard decision is the first step to a life of peacefulness. You deserve to be able to have peace. A home that is full of positive vibes and happy energy.
You are Courageous! You used to be hopeful and full of Life. You could be that way again but you have to choose your path. Stay on a path of torturous destruction or choose healthy happy living? you know who loves you and you know who has your back. Please do not let another person’s demons distract you from all the wonderful things life has to offer.
“What am I doing?”… I say to myself as I research “how to start a blog?”. I really have no clue anymore but in my defense it’s been a hell of a year. I’m at a point in my life where I am exhausted, physically and mentally. If the shit storm would just surrender and cease maybe things would be different but alas I am the one typing away feelings as though all my fibers are glued to the wrong nerve endings. That is exactly why I am here right now. I’m learning about self care and self discovery all while exploring different techniques to calm my center. “What is your center?” , another recent google search, its your spiritual core. If any of you meditate, pray, or do yoga you can understand that providing a calm center is key to those exercises.
In light of recent events I have been on a mission to feel “better.” How can I feel better when nothing is right on the inside? This is where I get real with ya…. After months of drinking to feel numb I came to the realization that if you never feel you can never deal! So I stepped away from the bottle and started listening. I listened to the family who needed to talk. I listened to the friends who needed a little guidance. I sat and listened to my husband and kids about the mundane and exciting parts of their days. Most importantly I listened to myself. I asked myself question after question desperately trying not to go on a downward spiral. “Why is this happening?” “What am I going to do about this?” “How can I help the ones I love?” “Will this feeling ever go away?” and last but definitely not least….”What am I doing with my life?” The whole “You only get one life to live” internal speech hit me hard.
Once I recognized that I am indeed suffering but never really had a moment to grieve everything came into focus. Some could say I was being “Awakened.” Regardless of terms and labels the more I research the topic of Empathy more aspects of my life were so clear. I felt for the first time that I understood so much about my life in a few weeks of research. Why I was sensitive to certain people or environments. Why I felt such deep connections with people I barely knew! Why I was the “Go-To” person for most of my family and friends to vent too. To be honest it feels weird to label myself as anything because I am just me, but I practice empathy on a level most people can’t understand. I can feel others energies in the deepest pit of my stomach or with every nerve on my skin. I don’t know how to talk about this to my family considering it is a new development for myself. All I can do is continue my research.
What I do know is that I can’t rid the world of the negative energies and/or people. Maybe though, I can help someone else who is going through a tough time. Maybe there is a stranger out there who just needs a relatable empathetic friend to help guide them on this path of life. I know how hard it is to reach out to the ones who always say “if you need me, I’m here.” Yeah well that’s all good and great but without them even meaning to they are never actually “there” when you need them. No one is at fault and many like myself feel like a burden to others. Famous family words: “Everybody has their own Shit!” So if your one of those strangers who feels they have no business unloading their “shit” onto the ones closest to you feel free to message a sista!!!
All I know is that I wasn’t put on this earth to pay bills and die. I want to help You. Yes you with the bad day, or You the stay at home mom on the edge of a breakdown, All of You! Because Everyone needs that Someone.
Live, Let Love, Stay Humble!