Don’t Talk about it……….

…….BE ABOUT IT!!!

I will refrain from reading any back posts I’ve made. I will  refrain from critiquing my work whether it be my writing, art, crafts, exercise, and intuition. I am Me and will not apologize for it. I have chosen a different path at this time of my life and I feel I owe No One an excuse. Everyday I’m reading, studying, gathering as much knowledge as I can get my hands on. I want to be able to understand all the topics I have delve myself into. I’am the subject of this Life and I will stop at nothing to make sure I succeed.  I started this blog for so many wrong reasons. I let my sneaky brain convince me it was the only way to tell people certain things. Once that task was done I abandon this blog and in short abandon myself, My own needs. This post is a proclamation to keep pushing forward. I vow to keep up my research and report back to my damn self. I say to myself here and now “Stop talking about it, BE ABOUT IT” No one needs to know what direction I’m headed because honestly no one really cares. But Why have I wasted so much time concerned about other peoples opinions when I have also spent the same amount of time preaching to “Just do you.” Honest answer, because I am Human. Humans were meant for trail and error. I am going back to the whole I am doing this for me and if by chance I end up inspiring someone else along this path, Awesome! If not, Oh well. I know I’m going to be OK!  Depression and anxiety can be such a bitch to deal with especially when you are completely misunderstood. I am trying to find out who I am over and over again realizing that in the end You only have yourself to take care of You. Your well being relies strictly on your own actions.

With all that being said I will not discuss plans, dreams, or goals because i realize they are forever changing in my mind. Instead I will share some pictures that give insight to what I’ve been up too lately.  All judgmental Fools can keep it moving…. Thanks.

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A Good Funk

I Choose to find the positive in everyday. I choose to follow my heart and let it lead me to unknown territory. I am letting myself fall in love with ME. I am changing at such a drastic speed that I haven’t been able to keep up. I have spent the past month resting and recharging my own inner energy. Thinking a lot about what direction I’m heading in. I’ve been reading and planning. Journaling and getting back to being creative….

Stop talking about it .. Be about it!!!..

My 2018 motto… you can sit around all day and dream and wish for something to change… but it ain’t gonna!… want to know why? Because no one is putting in the actual work to change whatever shitty situation you got yourself into. We all know how to talk a good game. I know I do! Well I used to. I remember just thinking, “these are the cards I’ve been dealt and there is nothing I can do about it.” Boy was I wrong. For me it was just the matter of getting up and being productive. I felt stuck and depressed for so long and I was tired of it. I was tired of being sad and irritable. I wanted to get back to having fun, adventuring in nature, and feeling like a woman! SO one step at a time I did each thing! Started taking my kids to parks myself or with mom friends that I made. I went to those mommy play groups. I stopped waiting for others to come to me and started doing my own thing. I reached out to old friends. And that was just the start of my journey. Some of those mom friends became family! The friends I’ve reached out to, who I thought could care less about me, they reached right back. I never miss time with them. I keep up the phone calls to other longtime friends and they reciprocate. I used to feel so alone.. because I isolated myself while I was throwing myself a pity party struggling with life’s changes. That is all it was. A constant struggle to get a handle on life. Once I realized that I need to stop worrying and start doing. That I can make my own damn decisions and make them without other peoples opinions affecting me. It was so refreshing..

And here I am now… in a funk BUT a good funk…

DisOrganized Kitchen and some Inspo!

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Sooo It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote a post. I was consumed by the Holiday season and then frozen into a coma. Only now are we climbing out of a weeks long tundra. Cold, Snow and Ice. Leftover holiday food on top of ordering out. Not being able to really stock up my kitchen with essentials between storms. My body was screaming for real nourishment….  “take care of me….”

Also I am a woman of many talents and this is where I like to showcase them. SO Here we are……..

Chickpea and Spinach Penne,

Using what I had on hand, and watching a lot of Foodnetwork in the last few weeks, I thought why not make myself a nice healthy meal. Bag of Penne, Can of chickpeas, goat cheese, frozen spinach from the bottom of the freezer, cheap parm cheese and garlic.

 

Chop the Garlic! I like to make it real small! No big chunks.

Pop open the can of chickpeas, drain and rinse, throw ’em into a skillet with some oil salt and pepper. Let them fry up a little.

 

Meanwhile Boil some water and throw in the pasta, cook till al dente!

 

 

Throw in the garlic and frozen spinach. I covered the skillet to help the spinach defrost faster.

When pasta is done, put it in the skillet. Reserve a cup and a half of pasta water. Sprinkle on Parmesan cheese then mix well. Adding in the pasta water to help create a sauce. Add enough liquid to your liking you may not need all of the water.

Crumble the Goat cheese up on top!!

Serve it UP Homies!!!!

Err Ma Gawd!!! It was so good! also since I was the only one eating it in this house I ended up with four containers sizeable for Lunch!

I have realized with the start of the new year I have a yearning to explore the many different paths that intrigue me. All paths have the same endgame, To feel fulfillment and Joy within everything that I do! I Have become a firm Believer that if you think IT, It will become your Reality! Be it Positive or Negative,  keep thinking positive thoughts and the universe will work with creating the life you have imagined. If you have stopped dreaming and setting goals and are not happy, then you have to reach inside yourself and figure out the reasons why! Only You can guarantee your own happiness!

Much Love!

 

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Today? No, tomorrow.

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I started this blog a few months ago and my motivation has already fizzled out. This is major flaw for me. I go through each day doing the same mundane routine. I make sure everyone is taken care of, laundry is washed, meals are cooked, and my kids are bathed. I am trying so hard to  be more, have purpose! I guess this has always been an issue with myself. The many diaries and journals I have/had that are half empty just shows my lack of follow through. I want to be more on the ball. Stay focused. I am 30 years old and feel as though I have never really accomplished anything in my life. Honestly I don’t even know what my goals and dreams were ten years ago. I do know that now is  better time than any to start on the path of creating dreams. Determining a set of goals that could benefit myself as well as my family.

There are certain things I have always known I wanted to get back to. School most importantly. Actually creating a career out of something. Although I have always been a firm believer of working doing something you love. Hmmmm? What do I love? Good question. I love sitting on my couch drinking coffee. I Love catching up on my shows without children interruptions. Ha! Like that ever happens. I love Sleeping, in my bed, with NOONE else… shhh.

What I do  know is that I want to keep exploring and discovering new ways to live my best life. To feel calm and happy is my only goal at the moment. I am  in a constant struggle with other peoples emotions. I never understood why I got so consumed with other peoples problems now I know its because I’m just ultra sensitive when it comes to another persons energy. Especially when they are blood. I can Feel their hurt, ambitions, fear, loneliness and pain. I can also feel when their happy, giddy and feeling pure joy.

All that aside I am choosing right now to move forward. To keep myself from spinning away into the darkness I choose to live by the light. Reaffirming to myself to stay focused and keep  dreaming.

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Empty Moments 


I feel the darkness creeping in. It’s suffocating. I feel manic in some ways… I have an all or nothing approach these days. I can wake up one day with a task in mind and get on it to finish on time. Or I could wake up in the morning with the strongest urge to say “Fuck it all to hell”. Crawl back under my covers and bid farewell to the sunshine beating through my window. Everyday I am exhausted, physically, emotionally…. I’m losing steam….. I’ve tried to stay focused and motivated. Keeping the pieces together long enough to care for my kids….   I tried so very hard to not give up but truth is…

I’m lonely and hurt, broken and confused, empty and well……  

I’m not Ok.

Fleeting Or Falling?

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I can’t seem to focus lately. My brain has a plethora of creative ideas buzzing around and yet I have been procrastinating in the worse way. I have wonderful visions of a homemade Christmas and festive DIY décor. I can imagine all the fun activities and events that are fast approaching. Its the most wonderful time of the year, so the saying goes, but I’m on a very unstable fence. One part of me is all gung-ho for the upcoming festivities and another part of me just wants to crawl into bed and pull up the covers until after the new year. Did I mention I’ve got kids? Yeah………. So retreating into hibernation really isn’t a feasible option for me. I have to play Santa and Mrs. Claus! I’m expected to clean, cook, bake, shop, wrap, sing, smile, and be fucking merry! I’ll fake the smile. I’ll act like a jolly good elf but in all honesty my heart  is broken into so many pieces right now.

How do we do this? How do we get through all that’s to come without you here? It has taken me months to write this all into words.

Earlier this past summer My family suffered a devastating loss. We lost an amazing Man, father and grandfather all in one. He was me and my sisters’ Chudsie, the kids Poppy, and Mom’s Chuckie Boy. This coming Monday is his Birthday and the start to the holiday chaos. At this time every other year its more of a count down to get everything done in time for Christmas but at the moment I have little motivation to spark me into the glitter and garland frenzy.  My mindset is like “Get it all done Now while your thinking about it and you won’t have to do it later” Ha. See I am one of those people who is a firm believer in letting Thanksgiving shine as an actual holiday. Christmas can wait as it always has. And well, here I am digging out the minimal decorations I do have and trying to get it all plastered up around the house. It’s really all for the kids after all.

There have been years where we had absolutely no money for presents. There have been years where we went without heat during the cold months. Many other bad years have gone by but nothing compares to how this year is already feeling. Your seat will be empty at our dinner tables. There will be no gift with your name on it. No nasty eggnog in the fridge. No last minute panicked calls asking what to get the momma. No picking out the perfect tree. No one to steal the cookies while they are burning hot. No more funny hats.  No one to sneak away with when the famsquad gets too much. No more Poppy sleepovers. No more Chuckie Boy kisses. No more Chudsie antics to keep us laughing.

You never fully understand the pain of grief until you are going through it on a very personal level. This is the first for me and with how very tragically it all went down I don’t see a future of being healed. That’s why I stick to a consistent meditation routine. Breathing, writing, and I just recently realized cleaning are my go to. I find myself cleaning and stopping to cry. I don’t understand why but it is something oddly therapeutic. I do not have the option to fall into a deep depression. I do not have the option to just give up and run away. I do feel the pressure of having to stay strong. I do feel that being the way that I am right now is fragile. I feel as if everyday I could slip off that unstable fence I was talking about and land in a dark place. I fear that dark place so much that I am fighting like hell to live by the light. Nothing will ever be the same.

I love you and miss you like hell. I know you’ve gained your wings. I know your watching from up there. Keep putting in the good words with the Man.

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Modern Day Marriage

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What does modern day marriage look like?.

To me it’s my husband working 12 hour over night shifts, coming home for a few hours to most likely sleep and waking up to go to a side job, he’s a carpenter. He comes home and sleeps a little more then it starts all over again. Being in a fully committed relationship and raising children is exhausting. It’s crazy hard work no one ever prepared you for. I mean people say things to help prepare but you never fully grasp what their talking about till your going through it.

When I was working at my last job the women would say things like “we’ve all been there”, “life is about paying dues”, and my favorite “things always get better” …. it’s been four years since I left that job and I’m just understanding what they were saying. They were right. Things do get better. Life is all about the ups and downs and mostly whom you have chosen to go through it all with. Me and my fiancé have had our fair share of struggles throughout the years. Financially, it hasn’t always been easy. Our relationship has tested it’s boundaries numerous times but everytime we have come out stronger. You learn to fight with your spouse in a specific way. You learn how to communicate on their level as to not cause any backlash. They learn your wants and needs and make you the priority. It’s all about the give and take. Ten years into my one and only long term relationship I have learned the keys to making It work. I didn’t figure them out on my own. In fact, if it wasn’t for my Hubs I wouldn’t be who I am today or think the way I do. We have changed eachother for the better but only because we Wanted to change. We have a connection we didn’t want to let go! So we deal with eachothers craziness  and  keep moving forward.

Most modern marriages are like this. One spouse is always at work. The other spouse is always with the kids. The bills are just barely getting paid on time. The house is alway a disaster. Your car sees the shop more then it sees your street. You and your husband never see eachother and when you finally get a moment alone one kid is stuffing toilet paper in the toilet and the other kid is downstairs switching the DVD to Deadpool and popping popcorn. (All true scenarios. .. I know WTF!? Right?)…

As long as you can be confident in your partner, have faith in one another, you can survive anything. The hard stuff eventually becomes familar, never easier, just familiar. You don’t freak out as much because you know how to handle shit now. You know how to communicate better so things get done faster. You both got a job. Realizing what needs to be done and actually doing it, together. Despite all the obstacles at the end of the day your not alone in this world. I am grateful for my Lovebug. I have found whom my soul loves.

This post is dedicated to Mr. Slugger. Your family loves and appreciates all your hardwork. Always working towards our dream.

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